Funniest Jokes : I Am Not Saying That

A Mom comes to visit her son John for dinner, who is living with a girl
roommate Merry. During the meal, his mother noticed how pretty John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Merry and I are just roommates.' About a week
later, Merry came to John saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I have been unable to find silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do
you?' John said,'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'

So he wrote mail to his mom:


Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that
it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
John.

John received an email from his Mother after some days, which read

Dear Son:
I am not saying that you 'do' sleep with Merry, and I am not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Merry. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the
pillow...
Love,
Mom.
Lesson of the day:

Don't Lie to Your Mother.

Very Funny Lawyer and witness conversations

Very Funny Lawyer and witness conversations :

1. LAWYER: Does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

2. LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

LAWYER: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

3. YER: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

LAWYER: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

LAWYER: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

4. LAWYER: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

5. LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: You're kidding me, right!?

6. LAWYER: She had three children, is that correct? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. LAWYER: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different LAWYER. Can I get a new LAWYER?

7. LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

8. LAWYER: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. LAWYER: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess.

9. LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that question?

10. LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a blood sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

11. LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.

12. LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

13. LAWYER: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

and the best one...!!!

14. LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, he could have been alive and practicing law.