Collection of Very Funny One Liners : Part 1

1. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer. 
2. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 
3. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 
4. Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees. 
5. Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live. 
6. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. 
7. Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please? 
8. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
9. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software. 
10. Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. 
11. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 
12. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. 
13. George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year. 
14. Half the people in the world are below average. 
15. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
16. I bet you I could stop gambling. 
17. I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York. 
18. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
19. If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2? 
20. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
21. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 
22. If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world. 
23. If you can't convince them, confuse them. 
24. If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!" 
25. If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. 
26. If your feet smell and your nose run, you're built upside down. 
27. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 
28. In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 
29. I've been on so many blind dates; I should get a free dog. 
30. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. 
31. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence. 
32. Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. 
33. Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked. 
34. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 
35. Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. 
36. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 
37. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. 
38. The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 
39. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
40. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 
41. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 
42. The statement following is true. The statement prior is false. 
43. There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot". 
44. Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician. 
45. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 
46. Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right. 
47. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. 

Lady Vs Man Funny Joke

Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack 

Man: $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you smoke?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari then?