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Collection of Very Funny One Liners : Part 1

1. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer. 
2. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 
3. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 
4. Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees. 
5. Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live. 
6. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. 
7. Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please? 
8. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
9. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software. 
10. Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. 
11. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 
12. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. 
13. George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year. 
14. Half the people in the world are below average. 
15. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
16. I bet you I could stop gambling. 
17. I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York. 
18. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
19. If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2? 
20. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
21. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 
22. If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world. 
23. If you can't convince them, confuse them. 
24. If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!" 
25. If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. 
26. If your feet smell and your nose run, you're built upside down. 
27. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 
28. In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 
29. I've been on so many blind dates; I should get a free dog. 
30. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. 
31. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence. 
32. Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. 
33. Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked. 
34. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 
35. Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. 
36. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 
37. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. 
38. The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 
39. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
40. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 
41. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 
42. The statement following is true. The statement prior is false. 
43. There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot". 
44. Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician. 
45. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 
46. Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right. 
47. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. 

Lady Vs Man Funny Joke

Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack 

Man: $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you smoke?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari then?

Funniest Jokes : I Am Not Saying That

A Mom comes to visit her son John for dinner, who is living with a girl
roommate Merry. During the meal, his mother noticed how pretty John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Merry and I are just roommates.' About a week
later, Merry came to John saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I have been unable to find silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do
you?' John said,'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'

So he wrote mail to his mom:


Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that
it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
John.

John received an email from his Mother after some days, which read

Dear Son:
I am not saying that you 'do' sleep with Merry, and I am not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Merry. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the
pillow...
Love,
Mom.
Lesson of the day:

Don't Lie to Your Mother.

Very Funny Lawyer and witness conversations

Very Funny Lawyer and witness conversations :

1. LAWYER: Does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

2. LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

LAWYER: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

3. YER: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

LAWYER: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

LAWYER: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

4. LAWYER: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

5. LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: You're kidding me, right!?

6. LAWYER: She had three children, is that correct? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. LAWYER: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different LAWYER. Can I get a new LAWYER?

7. LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

8. LAWYER: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. LAWYER: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess.

9. LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that question?

10. LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a blood sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

11. LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.

12. LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

13. LAWYER: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

and the best one...!!!

14. LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, he could have been alive and practicing law.

About This Blog

In this tensed day to day life people forget to have laugh and fun. So I will try to provide people some funny and weird stuff like images, jokes, funny quotes, wallpapers, songs, videos etc so that they can have some smile on their faces. I will try to gather things from the Internet which are available free.